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Getting to 'I Do': The Secret to Doing Relationships Right!, by Patricia Allen Sandra Harmon
PDF Download Getting to 'I Do': The Secret to Doing Relationships Right!, by Patricia Allen Sandra Harmon
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From Publishers Weekly
Psychotherapist Allen offers advice on ways to cultivate long-term relationships. Copyright 1995 Reed Business Information, Inc.
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Review
"Move over, Dr. Ruth!"-- "Los Angeles Magazine"Just what cupid ordered!"-- "Beverly Hills Today"The woman's movement brought us independence, but it did not bring us love."-- Dr. Patricia Allen
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Product details
Paperback: 272 pages
Publisher: William Morrow Paperbacks; First Edition edition (February 1, 1995)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 9780380718153
ISBN-13: 978-0380718153
ASIN: 0380718154
Product Dimensions:
5.2 x 0.6 x 8 inches
Shipping Weight: 7 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
Average Customer Review:
4.4 out of 5 stars
266 customer reviews
Amazon Best Sellers Rank:
#35,709 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
This book has been the 'magic key' I had been desperately searching for in a pile of self-help books and hours of therapy. For the past 2 years I had been obsessively trying to figure out 'what was wrong with me' (and him) that caused our really wonderful, fulfilling relationship to deteriorate into a devastating mess and failure. Our relationship failure didn't look, sound or feel like any of our friends' relationship failures. Theirs were obvious: cheating, alcoholism and marrying for reasons other than love in the first place were some of the 'normal' and understandable reasons to end a marriage or relationship. Ours was not like that. We had all the right elements: incredible physical chemistry, humor, affection, mental compatibility, emotional compatibility, similar values spiritually and socially, you name it, we had it. We enjoyed doing many of the same things, we enjoyed one another's company and there was no cheating of any sort. So what on earth happened to us? Losing that relationship when it had so many wonderful elements was absolutely the worst pain I have ever experienced, and I knew I had to dig deep and figure out how it happened because if I didn't, I wouldn't survive the pain again. Since I am not the type to turn bitter and just buy a cat, I delved into the bottomless pit of the 'why's...until I finally found the answer in this book.The basic premise is really simple: There MUST be a 'masculine energy' person (who gives, protects, and is RESPECTED) and a 'feminine energy person' (who 'gives back', receives joyously and is CHERISHED) in order for the relationship to work. If you both want to be in charge, you will fight for the masculine position. If you both want to have your feelings cherished as your top priority, you will fight for the feminine position. If you must be BOTH respected for your mind and want to lead AND insist on having your feelings cherished--that is the epitome of NARCISSISM, and Dr. Allen believes you will be UNABLE TO MATE SUCCESSFULLY. I agree with her. You must ultimately choose between the two energies or live alone.So many reviewers seem to have missed the point of the book by having their feathers ruffled by the concept of submission to the male that they also missed the hundreds of times she reiterates that you can CHOOSE which energy to be, and you can also NEGOTIATE with your mate after the relationship is established for role reversals in areas that both of you agree to. She is NOT in any way suggesting that we as women should suppress our minds or needs or feelings in deference to the male. We can and should express our FEELINGS to our masculine mate. As the man, he should express his THOUGHTS to his feminine woman, and ASK HER HOW SHE FEELS ABOUT THEM. Dr. Allen teaches us how to do this so as to actually get our needs met. The male MUST cherish the female's feelings above his own, and HE MUST DO THIS FIRST because a woman will be UNABLE to feel safe submitting to him and UNABLE to show respect for a man who has not FIRST shown her she is safe to do so. If a woman loves her man more than she loves herself (my problem) he will use and abuse her because she allows it. Of course, the more frustrated and 'uncherished' I felt, the more resentful and angry I became, not understanding that I would never be able to give him enough love, generosity, effort or sacrifice to get him to meet my needs. What I was doing SEEMED to me to be feminine and loving, but it turns out those things were actually the masculine trait of selflessly giving. No wonder I didn't like being in that role! A successful relationship is like a battery: there needs to be a positive giver (male) and a negative receiver (female) in order for there to be a 'charge' or connection. It won't matter how hard you try, because without both ends of the battery, you will never get a darn thing from it.This was the problem in my relationship. My boyfriend, who appeared very cherishing, giving and protecting at first, gradually slipped into his more feminine self and revealed what he was to me: a narcissist who would not give OR give back. He needed to have BOTH energies (my respect and also my cherishing) being given to him. I did it as long as I could, but despite the fact that we had all this 'wonderfulness' and commonality, he simply couldn't take the full masculine role I needed him to, and he left. Of course this left me absolutely AGONIZING over what more I could have done (actually, as Dr. Allen points out, I needed to do much LESS) to save our relationship.I really must express my deep relief and gratitude for this book. I am naturally a feminine energy person, and instinctively behave in feminine ways so I got a lot of it 'right'. But when it came to asking for things I wanted or needed, I did it completely WRONG and was totally baffled as to why my asking was met with such resistance. Men take requests as attempts at control, even when they aren't. Dr. Allen shows us a better way. I needed HONEST ANSWERS about what causes relationships to fail or succeed, and how to get my needs met by my man, and also meet his. She also showed me that what I thought a man wanted was not the case at all. I am so glad I now know this information. Thank you Dr. Allen. I am certain you have saved me from another round of hideous pain.
It works. I lost the love of my life in 2014 after a year of dating. Then I found this book. Threw it against the wall more than once because I was so angry at seeing all the things I did wrong, when it was TOO LATE and I could never get him back. Cried a lot, and learned a lot.Studied the book over and over and when I was ready to date again (3 years after the breakup), I joined an online dating site, intending to put what I learned from the book, into practice (i.e., no contacting men first online...and I didn't). The very FIRST day I joined, the guy who's profile had most caught my eye, wrote to me (first). By following the advice in this book my guy "magically" courted me, took his male role seriously, cherished my feelings, protected and won me over...!We've been together for over a year and he's asked me to marry him several times. (For logistical reasons, that's not feasible right now..but what's awesome is that he keeps asking!) I am 55 and he is 59.Nevermind the people who say these principles are "old fashioned" or "dated." THEY WORK. Read, study, implement, and you will find your partner.
I can't say enough good things about this book, I found it extremely informative and life changing. If you think the book is good, then I highly rec. you listen to all her podcasts on iTunes. Once you hear how she helps her clients implement the ideas she introduces in her book, you'll never go back to the way you were before. I use her scripts on all the men in my life and what a difference it has made. Also right now I'm reading one of the books she rec. on her podcasts called Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps, the information re the born differences between men and female brains is truly eye opening and astounding. The feminist movement, let's put it this way, has a LOOOOOng way to go, this is coming from me, a Nazi Feminist in my twenties. Equality at work does not add up to romance at home. DOH!GET THIS BOOK FOR EVERY UNHAPPY AND OR SINGLE WOMAN IN YOUR LIFE PRONTO.♥
Pat Allen is no nonsense & highly studied. Here it is, all layed out for us, and this applies if you're straight, gay or transgender. For a relationship to be successful, it needs 1) a masculine energy that gets respected for his or her thoughts 2) a feminine energy that gets cherished for his or her feelings 3) chemistry 4) compatibility & 5) communication, which is Love. This book helped me change the way I am,Or who I'm being in my relationship. I'm still me. Just a better version. I believe it's the reason I'm in my current loving relationship. I call this book my relationship bible. If followed to a tee, which may at times be challenging, relationship success is imminent! *If you have the pleasure of living in southern California, be sure to see Pat Allen speak. She has gatherings that are around $15 for a couple of hours. Or private sessions at a much higher rate. She also had some on- line events. She's fascinating, hilarious, and her studies have not been disproven. She's been working with couples for about 40 years. Thanks Pat!!
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